If you ever tried breaking up with someone you love, you know it isn’t an easy task. Even if you knew it would have been the best choice, pulling the trigger is hard. It takes an incredible amount of courage to overcome the overwhelming guilt you’ll inevitably suffer.
I know, because I was that coward once. One day, a girl got a call from her beloved, and she answered as gleefully as usual only to have her world turned upside-down. I apologized. I informed her of a decision that I had made a few months prior but only had the guts to tell her right there and then.
Recently, I get to empathize with her.
622 Days Before
I met this girl who lived next door. She became this person I adore.
We thought we were perfect for each other. We enjoyed every passing moment together.
“Soon, I’ll study abroad for two years. By that time, will you still hold me dear?”
Love can conquer all, and love was all I needed, no more.
574 Days Before
I started a business with a few friends and moved further away.
We spent less time together but our relationship grew stronger each day.
She insisted that I text her more, and I would because it was not a chore.
292 Days Before
We moved in together temporarily, and life was fantastic momentarily.
My favorite part was going home to her cooking.
Aren’t we just the perfect couple in the making?
We started to entertain the idea of getting married.
It wasn’t about if. It was about when.
She wanted a proposal before she leaves, but it wasn’t a request I could heed.
Too much can happen while she’s away. How can I be sure that she would stay?
“Don’t you worry, I’ll come back as soon as possible.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
112 Days Before
After some time, I finally made up my mind: All I needed was her to be mine.
I can commit, and I can promise. If we were meant to get married, when the proposal happens didn’t matter that much.
I took her to ring-shopping one final time. We settled on an engagement ring style we were happy with.
She had no idea if I were to propose before or after, and it would be a perfect surprise! I could picture the tears of joy when she cries.
I arranged for the ring to be made, and came up with the perfect phrase to engrave. I arranged for the flowers, the occasion, and the production aid.
78 Days Before
“Hey, you’re not going to propose before I leave, are you?”
Excuse me, lady, don’t ruin your surprise! But wait, that thing in her tone, it wasn’t joy in disguise.
It was fear, and I needed some reassurance.
“I’m not going to tell you, but if I proposed before you leave, would you still say yes?”
“If you proposed before I leave, of course, I would still say yes. But I think it’s a better idea if we were more emotionally and financially stable.”
75 Days Before
She said yes. My friends and her friends cheered. I was the luckiest and happiest man in that room.
Later, I asked if she did get surprised.
She said yes. She didn’t expect I would propose before she leaves.
68 Days Before
Her flight was tomorrow, and we were torn into pieces. She was in tears because she won’t see her love, her family, her home, and her friends.
I was in tears because I won’t see her.
And there was something else.
“I don’t know if I can really come back in two years. I’m looking into getting a work Visa. If that doesn’t work out, then I’ll come back for sure.”
That was a creative way to tell me I was the second option.
I was livid. I was insecure. I said I wanted to keep the ring, but I really wanted her to protest as if the ring mattered.
She didn’t.
67 Days Before
I got desperate. I asked her to take the ring with her because I could still commit to her.
She didn’t.
On the way to the airport, I said I wanted a prenup before we get married, but I really wanted her to protest as if the eventual marriage mattered.
She didn’t.
We embraced and said goodbyes, but I couldn’t look her in the eyes.
That wasn’t something I could mend. Everywhere I look, I see the end.
60 Days Before
She called every day. She told me every detail of her new life. She asked me about my mundane life that she knew.
“I will never get used to not having you by my side.”
Really?
Really.
There were never any doubts. We were still in love.
My parents stayed together despite many fights and disagreements. I was raised to believe that every relationship can be worked through if both stay committed to the relationship.
This was just another challenge for us to tackle. We’ll get through this stronger than ever.
30 Days Before
She called every other day. She built a lovely social circle. I was proud of her.
I asked if she got used to not having me by her side.
“Yes. I had to get used to it.”
I was proud of her.
“Well for me, I will never get used to not having you by my side.”
1 Day Before
She called every week. More things had happened in between each of our calls, yet fewer things were said during each of our calls.
To her, it was just a routine. I understood her feeling all too well. I was in her shoes.
I asked if she was okay with us communicating less and less.
I just wanted her to text me more. I just hoped that it wasn’t a chore.
“If you feel more comfortable doing that, I won’t force you to do otherwise.”
It didn’t matter how many pieces of evidence I dug through to confirm my bias, how much I wanted to believe in us. But the coffin was almost running out of space for nails. Let this be the final one.
It took so much strength to internalize this: if she didn’t have the courage to admit it, I’ll encourage her.
So, tell me everything even if it hurts.
That Day
“I am so scared to tell you.
I think it would have been better to get engaged when we were more stable.
I don’t want any attachments because of the uncertainty.
I can’t give anyone my promise, not even you.
You keep pushing for an answer and I don’t have one.
I just don’t know when I’ll be ready.”
That was already the answer I needed, but I did not have the strength to hear it.
I just wanted to hear “I believe in us.”
I just wanted to hear “I want to build a future with you in it.”
I pled: If you want to build a future with me, tell me and I’ll stay committed. If you really don’t know, that’s an option too, tell me and I’ll stay patient.
It would’ve been easy for her to go with either option to save us. My moment of weakness had led me to expose these would-be terrible choices.
She didn’t.
I was proud of her.
1 Day After
I said I love her and I wish her all the best.
She said she loves me and she wishes me all the best.
I thanked her family through the phone, as they treated me as their own.
I have never got nae-nae’d on so hard in my life, but I don’t blame her nor do I blame myself. It’s not that she meant to hurt me. It’s not that she intentionally deceived me. It’s the opposite. She chose to be truthful and courageous at the end and made the right choice, and I respect her and appreciate her for it.
They say hindsight is 20/20 and I finally got the full experience. Many missed signs became crystal clear when I looked back. The earliest key moment was sometime before I proposed. I asked if she thought I loved her more. She agreed.
To me, a healthy relationship should be both people thinking they contributed more to the relationship. Researchers in a study asked many domestic partners about their self-perceived percentage of contribution towards household chores, and the sums of these parts always exceed 100%. I think the same could apply to emotional contribution.
Another moment like this happened after she went abroad. She jokingly said that I should propose to her again when she comes back. At that moment I was so hurt. It made me feel like the entire proposal meant nothing. I didn’t know why she would say such a thing, but the answer became crystal-clear.
There were, of course, petty stuff such as not bringing a gift that I specifically bought for her to bring abroad. They hurt, but I had always been able to justify it for her: Maybe she was in a hurry, maybe she was too busy. Truth is, she just didn’t care that much.
She loved me, there was never a doubt about it. But love isn’t commitment. It took me a while to go from “I’ll try my best and let’s see if we can make it through” to “I’ll make it work”. Meanwhile, she went from “I want your promise to feel more secure” to “I don’t know if I can keep my promise.” I failed to recognize that.
For the first time in my three serious relationships, I can finally say that I hadn’t wronged the other person. But not doing something wrong doesn’t mean doing something right. It doesn’t mean things are gonna work out.
The girl from the introduction part taught me how to be the bigger person. She somehow accepted me back into her life as a friend. Thank you, karma, now I get to practice doing the same.
I am going into the next relationship with more maturity. I am keeping a keener eye for commitment before committing myself. I will consciously allow myself to love again. I will not put up an emotional wall just because I’d been hurt before.
We’ll move on with wonderful memories and lessons learned.
Things are going to be ok.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
-A
